Updated: Feb 23, 2019
I have been avoiding writing this post like the plague, namely because I really didn't want to hear what it had to say.
"You shall have no other gods before me"
Exodus 20: 3-6
Got it God, loud and clear. No bronze calves, or wooden idols, or social media, or the gym, or relationships. You got it, all yours. You come first Lord. Easy.
(P.S. It wasn't easy lolol)
So why do I still feel distant Lord? Why can I still not hear you? What else can I possibly surrender to you? What else could I possibly be clinging on to tighter than You Lord?
Ahh... yes friends, here comes the juicy, painful part you've all been waiting for.
I had become my own idol.
I cling so tightly to MY life, MY wants, MY dreams, MY desires, MY timeline.
Mine, mine, mine (insert Finding Nemo birds here)
As if my ways were better, as if my plan was better, as if I control the moon and the stars, as if I was the one who spoke life into existence. Yes, Nicole, you definitely know better than God does, you're right.....(LOL @me)
Y'all, this topic is burning in my heart right now because it is still a very present struggle I am working to overcome. Surrender is not easy my friends, but in the moments where I allow myself to LET GO of my ginormous ego and realize I am, in fact, not the center of the universe (*shocking, I know*) then God can finally start to peel back the stone-wall borders of my heart, and tenderly remind me of His loving plan for my life, which is SO much better than anything I could think of on my own.
Surrender isn't losing, it's winning.
It is the beautiful place where my heart and God's sovereign will dance, and create something more worthwhile and beautiful than I could ever dare to create, or accomplish, on my own.
I am afraid to trust God sometimes, afraid of where He will call me, afraid it won't look like the "perfect plan" I had created for my life (lolzzz again), afraid of what lies on the other side of letting go, afraid to lose "control" (because ya know, I decide when the sun rises too, in case you didn't know), afraid that God won't provide, afraid of what I can not see.
But isn't that the very definition of faith? "To believe in that which we can not see"
Easier said than done, but not impossible. For nothing is impossible for God. And when we bring our hearts to Him and allow Him to work through us and out into this world...what a beautiful life that is.
My greatest hope is that I will walk in His will every day, but how grateful my heart is when I remember the merciful and loving God who is mine, who forgives my ever-wandering heart and calls me back to Him over, and over, and over again. Who refuses to let me settle for anything less than His very best plan for my life, who loves me at my very worst, and celebrates with me at my very best. That's a God worth living for, and I am certainly not any of those things. Fix my eyes on You Lord, and on the race you have prepared for me, let me run it with endurance, that I may obtain the ultimate prize of eternity with You.